I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Sex And Death quotes or even a monologue or two to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right? And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle.
Better than Farmville, anyway. You ever see a guy walking down the street looking so happy and content you wanna find the nearest brick and turn his face into hamburger meat? That April morning, I was that guy. I couldn't help it.
I had what I thought at the time to be it all: If only I hadn't let Trixie open that last e-mail. What would you say if I broke out into song right now?
You know how this good mood thing of yours is killing me, Rod. Or we're never gonna get through these e-mails. Here's a beauty from Lester. Bachelor Party Stripper Crisis. Men like Lester are the reason Death Nell was invented. Other woman had lost all appeal. They called her Death Nell, even though, technically, she hadn't killed anyone. Different hairstyles, different outfits, different spray-painted messages.
Five dates leading to subversive seduction and ending in endless slumber. She was the worst thing to happen to men, and the best thing to happen to media in quite some time. Needless to say, I had picked the perfect moment to be getting out of the game. Meet Fiona Wormwood, my wife-to-be.
She was not the sweetest girl in the world. Just, I-- I like-- okay. But when it comes to the person you're spending the rest of your life with, you want a bit of a sting. Your married friends call you up for a barbecue. Your parents tell you Don't make me the villain. I told your sister exactly how many pounds she had to drop to fit into that bridesmaid's dress. Let's talk about orchids. I've downloaded the Big Mac. I mean The Matador! It looks like two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun to me.
Hey, that's very special sauce-- [Narrating] As for the "excellent job" part of my life, I like to tell reporters, "It's always been my dream to work in a fast-food restaurant. Our place was different. The plan was simple. Swallow up the food names, sleek the uniforms, Starbuck the decor. One Swallow Cornucopia to go! Have a startling and unique day. Please, Trixie, tell me that was the last goddamn e-mail. I'm getting, like, a virus vibe here. It's a list of names. Must be more wedding bullshit.
Well, they're all women's names. Number one-- does the name Patricia Francini ring a bell? Whoa, I haven't heard that name in Patty and I were co-captains of my high school debate team, her main claim to fame being that, in classic backseat drive-in fashion, she took my virginity. Clan of the Cave Bear was the movie. Drive-in's now a Staples. What did you say this list was? I didn't, unless Allison Bradbury is the second girl you ever had sex with.
Are you saying this is a list of everyone you ever had sex with? Who was the spooky drunk girl at the 4-H fair? I had to drive her home, 'cause her brother was, uh-- Daisy Milos Ross? But who would know about Daisy Milos Ross? Damn, Roderick, this is an insane amount of pussy.
I don't know if I'd call 29 women insane. I guess some guys might be impressed by the big two-nine, but I racked up most of those numbers as an undergrad. There's more than 29 wild oats on this list, a lot more. Now, it's not like I'm one of those silly guys that keeps track of how many, uh-- [laughs] All right.
Every guy is one of those silly guys-- Stop! The ever-delightful Fiona Wormwood, soon to be Fiona Blank, is indeed numero But, dude, the list keeps going. April Fool's Day today, isn't it? One of the guys. Zack, Chico, Lester-- no, Lester. What better way to mess with me than by sending me the names of all the women I've had sex with? Teasing me with an obviously made-up roster. You sure you don't have a Carlotta Valdes shacked up somewhere? I mean, according to the list, she's next up.
Followed by Cynthia Rose. Followed by-- Well, whoever did this sure put in the hours. The last goddamn e-mail. Every woman I ever, followed by every woman I-- [Trixie on phone] You're not still staring at that list. Oh, did I remember to warn you that you're gonna be kidnapped from work for your bachelor party?
How are you doing? No one said anything about this going down at my house. This is my house. Fiona gave us permission. I found a new stripper. Not the stripper crisis. The, uh, kooky one. No ham radio operating. No checking the oil. You two jokers in the back! Show Precious some respect! This is a bachelor party. It ain't fun and games. Who wants to play musical lap dances? You call this decadence?
Bro, it was you! If only women knew. The best commercial for marriage. Cream for your coffee? You laughing at the old coot? Hey, what about you? You're walking around your own party, here, obsessing about your former conquests. Well, it's actually a little more complicated. I was fine until this morning.