Why is my boyfriend silent during sex? He says he enjoys sex and we do it a lot, usually initiated by him. But when we have sex he is still and silent. Before explaining how his being still and silent during sex worries you.
That you would find sex far more enjoyable if you felt included, cherished, desired — and to feel certain he really was enjoying it. There are plenty of ways to do this. Or if you feel anxious or unsure you might want to write down how you feel in a letter or email. Are you afraid of losing him? Of offending or upsetting him in some way? Why haven't you discussed this sooner? Posed by models Why he might be silent I can only speculate on why he is so silent and withdrawn during sex.
It could be this is simply how he is, so he has never questioned it nor seen it as a problem. He may well enjoy having sex in this way. Alternatively he may have learned to masturbate silently — particularly if he lacked privacy or was raised in a home that viewed sex or masturbation as bad or wrong. He may now find it difficult to let go and be more vocal. Together you might do this by encouraging him to be noisier during sex, or to show more affection or use loving words.
The links in this piece all take you to different resources that can help broaden your horizons in that regard. And so compartmentalises his sexual behaviour as significantly different from how he is elsewhere in your relationship. That may be something he does or does not wish to act upon. And again he may feel conflicted over his desires - played out by the differences you see during sex and the rest of the time. Is he able to tune into your needs and pleasure?
You also spoke at length about the way he acts and your worries about satisfying him. So he could be equally worried about upsetting you, or letting you down, or perhaps has particular things he wishes could happen but simply lacks the confidence to mention it. Or previous relationship violence. If you approach this with affection, openness and compassion you could use this as a chance to take stock of all the things that work in your relationship.
You may be able to do this together, drawing on the close bond you already have. It might be a therapist helps you address this further — either to help you talk about it.
Or for you together if it turns out there are fundamental differences in the relationship that this is a symptom of and that would require you separating. Written down, all of this looks very lengthy and serious. Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to: Please note that by submitting your question to Petra, you are giving your permission for her to use your question as the basis of her column, published online at Wonder Women.
All questions will be kept anonymous and key details, facts and figures may change to protect your identity. Petra can only answer based on the information you give her and her advice is not a substitute for medical, therapeutic or legal advice.