Uncategorized Men may have problems with sex after a divorce. They may not talk about it, nor do their partners. Why this is so is somewhat of a mystery because there seem to be no studies on the topic.
Having Sex and Sampling Taffy Are Not the Same The myth that men or for that matter, women should be like kiddies running around the salt taffy shop sampling all the flavors in the barrels probably causes men to hide the shame they feel when their newly liberated sexuality falls flat.
Sometimes men do enjoy the initial rush of sex with a new woman, or maybe several women. Then they meet someone they like and the likelihood or experience of a more intimate tryst makes having sex a hurdle. When Sex Becomes a Task Instead of a Frolic If a man whose divorced was made to feel sexually inadequate by his ex, he may feel he has something to prove to his new partner.
He may have been sexually rejected by his partner, sometimes long before divorce was even mentioned. He may have experienced problems like erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation as his marriage waned. It makes complete sense that he would want to please his new partner. He wants to see proof that he is a good and worthwhile sex partner. He wants acceptance, and to know that he is wanted. This is a tall order for a 30 minute experience, sometimes with a woman who is almost a stranger.
Divorce, the Body, and Feelings Men may express relief about a divorce, but in stereotypical male style, they may be hiding other not so pleasant feelings. Grief is one example of a feeling that he may hide. He may still be grieving, if not the loss of his marriage than perhaps the loss of daily access to his children or to the comfort of having a full household and a family.
Not wanting to admit the shame that is often still associated with ending a marriage, he may act as if everything is just fine even though his heart might be breaking.
Another feeling is anger. When couples divorce they are often combative. They say and do things to hurt each other, piling on insults or taking away access to property, money, or even children. Divorce brings out the worst in a lot of people, and it leaves people shaken by not only what their partner is capable of, but how they, themselves, have acted.
A sense of failure often comes along with the ending of a marriage. Either way, he may feel responsible for the death of the marriage. He may fear being judged as a failure for not keeping it together, even though divorce is now common. He may be able to think that the marriage is over and that his bad feelings are now gone. They stick around and are held, if not in the mind, then in the brain and the body. The Body Expresses Feelings for You Ever have a stomachache when you were a kid and were certain that it was from something you ate, like too much popcorn at the theater?
Except you had an upset stomach the next day, too—and not a kernel in sight. It may have taken awhile for you or a parent to catch on, but someone figured out that you were worried.
Instead of acknowledging it, though, your body ended up giving you the message to pay attention and slow down. We still have the same mind-body signals as adults as we do as kids. Sometimes it gets expressed as stomach trouble. But sometimes it may get expressed in our sex organs. And the penis is no exception. They think of themselves as warriors, wrapped in armor to prevent feeling their wounds.
They believe themselves to be ever ready, just like the proverbial wind-up rabbit. But the body tells the truth. He will only get into deeper trouble because now he has to deal with two feelings: Most everyone, male or female, who gets divorced should seek counseling, because there are just too many feelings to deal with.
Most everyone, male or female, needs to slow down before dating. It is understandable that when a man is in emotional pain he wants to cure it by doing something that feels good—and sex today is easy to obtain, all one has to do is go online and sign up for a dating site.
If he can wait awhile—ideally several months—he will have processed more of his feelings and be better able to manage a new relationship. He will be able to hang onto his sense of self, to feel okay about what has happened to his marriage, and to have sex, not as a balm, but because he likes his partner.
He will be less likely to worry that a new woman will like him or not. He will be more confident that he is perfectly adequate, and that he can be a better partner next time around.
He can also get comfortable with a new partner before having sex. It seems these days there is a mad rush to the bedroom. That way he can feel confident that everything will be okay, even if he has a little hitch in his get-along. There is no need to rush. Stop, reflect, feel—then move on to new experiences with confidence. Submit a Comment You must be logged in to post a comment.