Subject to CC 2. I did my time as a bachelor before I was married. This is why, years later, single life and the one-night stands which go along with it are about as interesting to me as white hot birdshit. I have absolutely no motivation to give out dating advice, especially when it might help young German men get a little extra honey on their stingers.
The thing is, as a foreign blogger in a strange land, I am compelled to make observations about the things I see around me. You know how the stereotypical American tourist is a fat lard with white sneakers and a mean case of type 2 diabetes? But the dudes here in Germany? Here in northern Germany, dudes between the ages of 16 and 35 are tall as fuck. I see them every single day, and their genetic good fortune pisses me off.
One day, in a social setting, I asked a medical student here in Germany why the guys seemed so tall. My ingenious theory, however, was that German winters typically last longer than those in the States, resulting in less sunlight and an overall deficiency of vitamin D.
I went on to explain, beer in hand, how this would logically require the human body to adapt in order to increase surface area, resulting in a lanky populace better equipped to absorb sunlight. Of course, according to my theory, Inuit people living in the Arctic should be tall enough to touch the goddamn sun, but hey, I was drunk at the time. Now, I have absolutely no explanation why German men tend to be so thin.
Consuming the traditional German diet is like getting down on your knees and praying for a heart attack. All I know is young German dudes tend to have awesome bodies. Six pack abs are everywhere, as are broad shoulders and sculpted jawlines.
They stay ahead of all the latest fads and trends, so overall, their appearance is hip and fresh to the eye. Or fruity as hell, depending upon your attitude.
That, or sexy unicorns are pissing in the groundwater. Christ, with all the moussed hair, trendy jeans, blessed height and Olympian physiques, living in Germany is like being trapped inside one huge boyband.
Johan Bichel Lindegaard https: Alright, look — there are stupid people in every country, even in Germany — but it is important to note my wife and I do not make a habit of associating with knuckle draggers.
Instead, we gravitate toward Germans who tend to be educated, well-traveled and able to consume alcohol in social situations without winding up tasered senseless and thrown into the back of a cop car. First of all, most of them are bilingual. They start learning English in the 3rd grade, and I know this because I have the incredible misfortune of living right next to a primary school.
Hell, most of my German friends even speak a limited amount of some additional and totally unnecessary language, like French. Does this automatically make them smarter? Hell no, but I triple-dog-dare you to try and find a stupid polylinguist. Something about forcing the brain to switch between languages makes it more flexible and dynamic. Regularly alternating the way you think is going to make you a more interesting person, if not outright more intelligent.
The German dude you choose to lay will probably have spent a great deal of time at university as well, attaining both his undergraduate and graduate degrees. See, higher education is of great importance in Germany, and college is virtually free — the key word here being virtually. I laughed so hard I peed a little.
Just a year or two later, Lower Saxony abolished tuition fees altogether. It encourages high school graduates to go learn a thing or two about the world and stop being such narcissistic little shit twisters. In general, Germans tend to be very well-traveled — especially the younger generations. As a result, German men of sexable age tend to be open-minded, sensitive and respectful of other cultures.
In my experience, German guys tend to be extremely modest. See, I come from America; our culture is fueled by unchecked egotism and blind self-confidence. Things like bragging, cockiness, and inexplicably high self-esteem are so normal they make me homesick.
This picture makes me laugh every time I see it. When it comes to sex, we Americans are very prude. None of us would get to work safely. Sure, the German Empire was formed in by the Prussians, but Germania has existed since the time before that one goody two-shoes got his ass crucified.
And because Germany is right in the middle of Europe — greatly influenced by all of the countries surrounding it — its modern-day culture is very difficult to define. What I can say, however, is that it is old, and with age comes maturity. Here are a few German cultural traits regarding sex I can confirm, having observed them with my own two eyeballs: Nudity — Not only are nude saunas commonplace in Germany, but so is nudity in advertising and entertainment.
They keep that shit separate. Interracial Coupling — I love seeing people of different races get together, and I see it a lot more often here in Germany than I ever did in America. Personally, I think prostitution should be legal everywhere. Why does the government care if you want to choke yourself while some chick dips your nuts in coffee? Like I wanted to endear myself to the young male population of Germany by listing all the ways in which they rule?
This is the part where I cut them right back down to size. If I exit the shower area right as another guy is entering, I will see, in exactly the following order: But then, America has a shit-ton of Christians too, and most of us had our birds cut while we were still fresh out of the womb.
To cut or not to cut: That is the question. And according to the half-assed google search I just did, circumcision seems to be on the decline — at least in America. There are tons of reasons for this — all of which are hotly debated — but none of them matter at all, because uncircumcised dicks are fucking disgusting.
Thanks Mom and Dad! Now, does it make logical sense that an altered body part should look better than a natural one? But still, we pierce our ears, right? We get tattoos, shave our pubes, wear makeup and lift weights to try and achieve a physique with which we were not genetically gifted. These are all examples of cultural body modification for the sake of beauty, and when a certain type of beauty is popular for long enough, it becomes the standard.
Sure, uncircumcised dongs will likely come back into fashion, as will big hair, quaaludes and s porno pubes, but I for one will be crying the day that happens. Except for the quaaludes part. Although I have strongly recommended throughout this post that you have sex with a German dude, just remember to use protection.
German dudes are awesome. When compared to the rest of the knuckle-dragging primates of the world, the great apes of Germany score a record-setting 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds: