The characters and events in his life are real. I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough money not to quit. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. I think Facebook should expand their relationship status field to include: I sit and look at it for hours.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. I used to be indecisive. I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Having sex is like playing bridge. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Thanks for always being there. Liquor makes me happy, you…. Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. Like my need to be praised. I should have studied to be a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work. Boy, my Nigerian girlfriend sure needs a lot of money wired to her.
I really love Sxbgfsnj Fuhbdexgb though. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.
He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze. I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding?
I tried that today. A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby. Math questions are so stupid! Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor. Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.
I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it. No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod. Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son.
He would even take a bullet for his boy. Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I never should have been allowed to purchase it in the first place. As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? Health experts recommend a calorie diet. Has never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an Old Navy once. I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time. Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions.