Don't Play All of which would be perfectly legitimate in a show that puts instant coupledom in a test tube, spins it around and stands back to see what grotesque creatures emerge, except for one thing: I don't want to be a prude here, but MAFS airs from 7. That's prime family viewing time, or at least it used to be.
It also airs in the middle of the day and at 4pm on Sunday on repeat. Could it be that part of the reason networks are losing young viewers by the truckload is that their parents don't want them watching this stuff? We need to talk: Ryan and Davina are between a rock and a hard place on Married at First Sight. Advertisement Anyway, back to the PG-rated smut. In the "not-yet, but if you play your cards right" camp are Sarah taking it slowly because she's been hurt before — in a high-speed sex accident, apparently and Telv taking himself off to the shower several times a day; those dirty thoughts need to be washed away.
Also there are Gabrielle and Nasser, who did it on their honeymoon but since then, not so much. He's been too busy sweeping and moisturising and plucking his eyebrows, prompting a teary Gab to ask the question on everyone's lightly botoxed lips: And if Nasser doesn't sail up that canal mighty soon this relationship is surely headed for a crisis. When will they stop asking about my sex life?
Justin and Carly we can pretty much write off. Sure, he finally gave her one of his icecreams, but his next move was seriously weird. He took her to the marina to look at boats because whether or not she likes them is a deal breaker, he claimed. Luckily, she's quite fond of boats. But wait, there's one more nail in the coffin of their yet-to-begin sex life.
I seriously doubt you will, mate. I'm going to the Oscars Justin ditches Carly for Milan.. On the other side of the ledger, Dean and Tracey are in a post-rap state of rapture that not even the arrival of his brother and sister — both suitably unimpressed by what a douche he has been — can dampen. Elsewhere, Sean has taken the advice of the "experts" and given Blair what she wanted — a little sugar in her bowl, a little honey in her roll, a little … well, you know the stuff.
I really hope the kiddies are tucked up in bed by now. Next morning, they hop into his 'Stang for drive, and as they tool down the road he asks if she's starting to develop feelings. He immediately blindsides her with "for me, it's a not".
Hell hath no fury like a reality show participant scorned. Are you feeling anything? Troy and Ashley provide the inevitable moments of car-crash hilarity, but it's impossible not to think that he does have a point when he complains that she's not willing to meet him halfway hell, even one-third of the way would do. Then again, he really is a doofus. He has to look up a YouTube video to learn how to make scrambled eggs, for God's sake, and mistakes camembert for butter and wonders why it isn't melting the way it should.
And he thinks they were this close to having sex when she told him the opposite. Worse than that, he has no oral hygiene! I'm not going to hook up with somebody who doesn't clean their teeth. But really, the interest tonight is all in Ryan and Davina, who are definitely not going to be seeing anything like action. At Troy's parents' house, Davina wills an alternative reality into existence.
Over in Bullshit Corner, a tractor between them, Ryan tells his dad what's what. He peels off to dish to the fellas, while she sits with his female friends, who regale her with tales of how awesome he is. The mist rises, and suddenly Davina sees the error of her ways. Later still, we rejoin them at the beach. The scene is set with a shot of waves crashing on the shoreline: Ryan leaves no room for doubt.
Except in Davina's mind. I was talking to you when I was talking to Dean," she says. It's meant to be a positive, I think, but it merely reminds him of what a dirty two-timer she has been.
It'd be stupid to go back, absolutely stupid. Now, you might think that's a fairly definitive statement. And I might think that too. Otherwise you'll be screwed.