Link to Episode Note: Transcript contains portions that were edited from the final episode due to time constraints Warning: Overpriced, Scripture-Approved Entire Groceries Tired of secular supermarkets and their blatant disregard for ancient Middle Eastern dietary restrictions?!? And now, the Scathing Atheist. Black jokes are still okay, but Asian jokes can be a slippery slope. But first, the diatribe.
Time to hang up our spurs guys and gals. I spent my days searching out religious people to berate about their stupid beliefs, until one day when I saw a sad person and they had a bible.
And I realized that religion is a-okay and who am I to take that away from other people? Amen… I mean whatever we atheists say instead of Amen. This is the de facto media narrative about atheism moving into Atheists have had their say but now that all that stuff is out there we can just shut the fuck up about it. He backs this up by claiming it several more times. His only citation is his anecdotal observation that a lot of heroin addicts are religious.
Hey Chris, you know what else gives comfort to heroin addicts? We got into this not because we believe religion is silly, but because we believe it is harmful. The author makes no attempt to justify the unspoken assumption that religion plays some positive role in the lives of these addicts.
He just points out that a lot of them pray and have bibles. Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who hates more people by 9am than most people hate all day, Heath Enwright.
Heath, are you ready to unload some pre-breakfast avarice? This is word for word, what the guy in front of me at the bagel store said to the cashier. I burned it into my brain as I walked home: Seems like everything happens in 20 year cycles. Gotta sell those newspapers. Did you follow him long enough to see if he got the bagel into the correct orifice?
Well his 47th chromosome kept dangling in the way, but for better or worse, he put the bagel in the same orifice the bullshit was coming out of earlier. Interesting two way valve … Bagel entry, bullshit exit. Frees up room in his ass for his head, I suppose. Religious whiners have to promise not to abuse the proposed law.
Indeed, we have an entire legal system, and an attitude toward speech, that takes its cue from a nursery rhyme: Of fucking course we do!!! Of fucking course we have a legal system that says physical harm is worse than emotional harm!!!
Not according to Rosenstein. He claims that emotional harm is even worse than physical harm. So I propose an experiment.
Me and him, in a room. He gets a thesaurus, I get a ball peen hammer. Whoever cries uncle first loses. Maybe you could murder Ken Ham with a hammer too. This is America, and our founding fathers intended for us to make YouTube videos of Muhammad getting hit in the crotch with a shovel, and sharing a cup with two girls. Can a brotha get a mental image fatwa?!? Mean jokes hurt my vagina: Popes are bless-whores, though.
Might as well get straight to it. I say we fucking do it!!! This might be the first ever list of triple entendre religious porn titles with birds. Right here, exclusively on The Scathing Atheist!!! Okay, but the transcript of this show is gonna link some pretty fucked up search terms to our blog… how about… fuck, this is really hard. How about… you go first. Or maybe the parrot- you get the idea. I could have gone hooters.
Instead of just fucking them and condemning them to hell, Abromovich allegedly kidnapped and robbed his man-whores while impersonating a police officer. Because felonies are like Pokemon. He would then arrange for a romantic rendezvous with them and when they arrived he would announce himself as a US Marshall, then handcuff and rob them. Hmm… Well I guess nothing inspires abstinence like a southern baptist sex convention. Shame the pope blessed that parrot-fucker or we could put a few seconds on the clock for some Baptist abstinence porn.
Yeah, because the absurd denial of the most potent animalian instinct has been working so well for them so far… The church claims it might reword its current stance on sex, which reads something like: The diocese is accused of covering up the molestation of at least children in a state with the population density of the Sahara desert, so I guess kudos for finding that many kids of raping age.
That many unwilling kids … of raping age. By the way, what is the age of non-consent in Montana? Same as Vatican City? No, the raped kids are getting some cash in the settlement.
As part of the negotiated settlement the church will pay out 2. Gotta cover your ass … When Geico wrote that policy, the premium must have been tiny. Why would anyone even ask for this type of insurance?
This show is so fucking highbrow that we have anti-semitic Hamlet references built in with our rape jokes. Heath, thanks for joining me. And when we return Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to see which of us can say fuck more times in ten minutes. Cecil, welcome to the Scathing Atheist. NOAH I invited you on to talk about your extremely funny and well-produced podcast, but before we get to that I suppose I should congratulate you.
The Logan Paulsen thing was trying to fill a roster spot through free agency at the end of the year… You know like most of your team. Have you lost any sleep over that? I find that my natural melatonin levels go up the more dreams that I crush. Because I think it should. Can we talk about podcasting now? I just… okay, so you and Tom have been a team for quite some time.
NOAH So do you think that your friendship will suffer if Tom ever learns what a heartless cheater you are when it comes to Fantasy Football? What, did I crack in the back end of Yahoo sports? How the fuck could you possibly cheat at Fantasy Football? CECIL Do you have any actual podcast related questions for me, or did you just invite me on so you can be butt hurt about me beating you at Fantasy Football?
Do you just download your own show over and over again to move up the iTunes ranks? So in our best podcasting equivalent to someone running out from backstage slapping and pulling hair, after you failed a lie detector test about fatherhood, Tom, do we have you on the line?
You have excellent taste in Cognitive Dissonance hosts. TOM About as much as I know about lunar geography. So my question to you is, in your experience, is Cecil a big, fat cheater? You unhinged your jaw like a python so you could fit more in your face. You put Percy Harvin on your roster 6 fucking weeks before he was healthy!
Look, you invited me on to this show to talk about our podcast. NOAH Kicking my ass!? You won by less than four points! TOM Should I just go get a burger or something?