Parenting stories you actually want to read, whether you're thinking about or passing on kids, from egg-freezing to taking home baby and beyond.
Because motherhood is a big if — not when — and it's time we talked about it that way. How did you learn about masturbation? Was it while you were horseback riding at summer camp? The first time you watched porn? This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity. Have you always been open with your daughter about sex?
I grew up thinking that sexuality was mine, but also something I could verbally communicate with my mom, if that makes sense. Iin terms of us having a conversation about our sexuality, as in my sexuality, I was maybe 10 or 11? I did not have an orgasm until I was something, because I never truly tried to masturbate.
I should have been figuring out my body when all the boys did, when I was 10 or 11 years old. Because before you think of doing it with anybody, it should be a solo thing… Plus, there were girls having sex that she knew at 12, 13, 14, 15, so before she got into that, I wanted her to have enough time to really see her environment and apply anything I would say to her.
The more you understand yourself and what makes you tick, you are more prepared to be able to have sex with somebody and know what to ask from them and what you need from them. Was there any sort of anatomical lesson plan? Were there diagrams or anything like that?
Feel free to touch yourself during the nighttime and understand what your body is capable of. What was your own level of sex education like?
Did you have these conversations with your mother? I blame my mom for that, as we tend to do that as adults. I wish she had been more open and told me the reality of how normal sex is as a whole.
The only attempt I ever made at having a conversation with her about sex was me asking her about oral sex when I was 15, and she got super pissed off, so I never made another attempt to ask her about it again. It became my mission to not do the same with Alanis. But she was in a different situation than I am now. She had me to be able to leave the situation she was in. There was a lot of very, bad negative history.
My parents were too busy to pay attention because they were involved with illicit relationships, and I got molested at, like, 5. There were all these things that happened throughout my childhood until my teenage years. I want to start a family of my own. Can you tell them what their options are? When I started dating girls when I was a freshman in high school, I came out officially then Especially because Alanis, you came of age when it was so omnipresent on the internet.
I remember the first time I saw porn, me and my friend were in fourth grade, and looking for the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
We were talking about options that she could use, and I do remember mentioning porn. Go look for it. That whole not cleansing myself through peeing and showering, that never came up in conversation until something happened where I needed to know about it.
Parents tend to dehumanize their kids. The sooner you come to the reality that this is a human being that will make their own decisions, make their own mistakes, and go down their own path from the moment they breathe for the first time, we have to be okay with losing some control. The typical Latino saying is that children are borrowed. God lets us borrow them to do the best we can with them and let them go when the right time comes.
I gave her all the information I could. I need to back off.