Communication can be the difference. Would he betray you? Do you think your partner is cheating? Do you accuse him or her of these things? Insecurity can be hot. But while suspicion and accusation can inject hotness into a mundane relationship, it can also create unnecessary discord that wears both you and your partner down.
Eventually it can doom the relationship that you wanted to preserve and improve. First, this insecurity can show itself outside the bedroom as a deep and painful jealousy , and manifest as a heightened awareness and criticism of how your partner interacts with others.
In response, your partner may feel like he or she has to be hyper- cautious and constricted around others just to keep you calm. This insecurity that was meant to be harmless and hot has driven a wedge between you and your partner.
Why does this happen? Well, if you remember back to middle school, high school, college, or young adulthood, many early relationships were insecure — one person was more interested in creating and maintaining a connection than was the other.
And not coincidentally, many of these early relationships were also hot. And so the association between insecurity and hot sex and perhaps excitement and intensity gets imprinted. Instead of exhausting yourself and your partner by creating insecurity through unfounded suspicions and accusatory communications, first recognize your role in creating this relationship discord, and then counteract it with honest and direct communication.
When you feel fearful or threatened that your partner is admiring someone from afar, try thinking of it as if he or she noticed a beautiful piece of art in a museum. Eventually you can begin to break the cycle of negative communication and self-fulfilling suspicion that ultimately creates a wedge of discord. I know this process of letting go of your insecurity can be scary. Join me on Tuesdays and Thursday for the next few weeks, to look at some of these reasons.
As I work on the next posts in this series, I would love to add your voice. Do you experience relationship insecurity? Let me know via comments or by the Twitter and Facebook links below.