So do you need to give your husband sexual favors anyway? Yesterday I was talking about what to do when sex is off the table , almost permanently. But in the interim, what is your obligation?
A woman wrote this really insightful email: So, he has stopped asking. I just strongly resent being a tool, and I know my husband believes my view on the subject is sinful.
How do I change? How do I submit to be used? This letter just made me so sad. Why are we believing these things? No wonder so many women are hurting! You were not created to be a sexual tool. That this is our worth—to be used by men and completed by men. No, my precious sisters, you were created in the image of the living God.
You were designed for beautiful intimacy, which is what sex was created to provide. It was to be a mirror of the deep longing for true connection that God has for us. It is not simply physical; it is emotional and spiritual, too.
That intimacy is life affirming and life giving. You are worth exploring. You are worth loving. We call someone that we have sex with our lover because we are sharing something so deeply personal and intimate.
Reduce it to something far less than that, and it is no longer two lovers in bed with one another. It is a master and a servant. And there is no intimacy between a master and a servant. It is not doing sexual favors that poisons sex. It is reducing sex to obligation and physical release.
Let me clear here: Giving a gift can be fun! The problem is that her husband is turning sex itself into an obligation, reducing sex to merely physical release. Sex is made for marriage, and marriage is made for sex. God made men with sexual needs , and marriage is the outlet God designed for men to get those sexual needs met. No, we need to redeem sex itself from the debasement that our culture has done and make it about intimacy, vulnerability , and love, not objectification.
What happens when we objectify sex? We ruin sex for both of us, but especially for women. She wants sex to be making love, feeling as if they are two people joining together. And that wrecks everything. It wrecks her libido. It wrecks her enjoyment of sex. It wrecks sex itself, because it tears up this beautiful work of art and replaces it with a cheap substitute. The resort where we were staying had shows around the pool every night, and one particular night a magician came who was going to swallow fire.
When you know that something is deeply wrong, you do not have to be able to produce a three-pronged argument to show why you are right. Sometimes you just know.
When you say no to something that others may be telling you is your duty, it is not always that you are being rebellious. Sometimes it is that you are standing up for what is right—that you are standing up for Jesus.
When we treat sex like it is only physical, we make a mockery of God's precious design. And that has no place in a Christian marriage. No place at all. I firmly believe that sex should be awesome in marriage. I firmly believe that women especially need to be challenged to go outside of our comfort zones and embrace our sexual sides more on that on Monday! Your marriage will thank you! But I also firmly believe that sex is supposed to be something that binds you together in an intimacy unlike any other, not something that denies your humanity, reduces you to mere tools, and ends up pushing you further apart.
When a woman is exhausted, especially because of pregnancy and nursing, and is in physical discomfort, for a man to tell her that God wants her to let herself be used for his enjoyment cuts her to her very soul. And it is not because she has to do something she gets no pleasure from.
No, it is instead that: It robs her of the beauty of sex that she was designed to experience. Do we get this? Until we treat women like objects of love, rather than objects to be used, we will never experience the beauty of sex the way God intended, because we will kill her spirit.
And when her spirit is killed, the ability to even experience that kind of intimacy is wiped out. The next time you make love, start with praying together for your family coming before God helps you to feel really close! Or start with a long massage, where you each take turns massaging each other, preferably while naked.
Make it not only about physical release, but also about feeling close. And then hold on to that feeling!