Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. It makes me feel so undesired.
Our last conversation he said that he was sick of hearing me. Granted, I do bring it up every few months because I think maybe we can try. If he tried it would mean the world to me. I am so frustrated, I have been so patient and understanding not to overstep boundaries, but really!?
I wish he was willing to talk about things, to maybe seek counselling, but that is not the case. He is so focused on work and money and not us. I care about us, I want us to be happy in every aspect. What a heartbreaking problem!
Do you have to live with a sexless marriage? Here's how to really address the problem: For him to shut you down, you have to agree to shut up about it. And for you to go along with it is to build up walls in your marriage. Click To Tweet Listen to me clearly on this: So what do you do? You love your husband. And loving him means looking out for his long-term best interests, which means promoting real character growth.
Doing nothing while someone goes down a road which will hurt them is not loving. Click To Tweet And he is hurting himself. You are the one feeling the hurt acutely right now, but you are not actually the one who is the most hurt. What you have is a normal, healthy reaction to a bad situation. What he has is an abnormal, unhealthy reaction. When we react normally and in a healthy manner and also go before God, even if we have great disappointments in our lives, we will end up stronger and more like Christ.
But when we run from true intimacy and authenticity, we will be far from okay. Get a Support Group and Pray Hard. This is a battle. And the battle is for both of your hearts. God wants you to react not in bitterness but in concern for your husband and your marriage.
And God wants your husband to open up to real intimacy. To close yourself off from intimacy is dangerous. So here are some general points on how to handle this. Have a game plan—Know what you want Before you start the conversation, know what you want to get out of it.
Expecting him to see it all your way and agree that you are totally right is not realistic. But expecting him to treat a sexless marriage as a real problem, and commit to working towards healing, is completely reasonable.
If you will not talk about it now, then I will be bringing it up again tomorrow night and the night after that and the night after that. This is not going anywhere. We need to figure this out. Refuse to cover for him anymore If he has refused a conversation, then it is now time to take some action. Alcoholics Anonymous has a sister group for the family members of alcoholics called Al Anon, to help them deal with the emotional and practical turmoil of living with an alcoholic.
And one of the things that they preach is that one of the first steps to helping your loved one get help is to stop enabling them—to stop covering up for them anymore. But the loving thing to do is to help your husband see that he needs help, and that means facing the consequences of his actions. This may look different in different families, depending upon the ages of your children.
It is not okay to be rude, mean, or unkind. It is not okay to spend a ton of money in revenge, to flirt with anyone else, or in any way to be unloving. But it is okay to let others know that you are having issues and that his refusal to seek help is the cause.
Personally, I feel quite strongly that the advice you seek here should be that of a trained counselor, who has gone through this sort of thing before.
Get a group around you to pray through what you will say, when you will say it, and how you will say it. And then, with perhaps 1 or 2 other trusted people, meet with him and tell him that he is hurting himself, hurting you, and hurting his spiritual life, and he needs to get help. Now you have some decisions to make about what you will do.
Be Prepared Finally, a warning. Perhaps he is struggling with homosexuality or porn use , and has completely destroyed his ability to perform or desire anything in a heterosexual marriage save from a major intervention from God.
God is still there for you. He is big enough to carry you. For anyone living in a sexless marriage, I am so sorry. I pray that you will find resolution. And now let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to stage an intervention? Have you ever had to seek outside help? How did that work for you?