The goddamn fish One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish! I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught.
So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it. So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish. And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: After conferring about this for a while the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agrees to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
Monday morning comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Go drink the holy water. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Go and drink the holy water. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. The third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned. What did you do? The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do this weekend that was so darn funny? A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he realizes that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I must perform a necessary function. Consult it and it'll tell you what to do. A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my neighbor.
A few minutes later, another fellow walks in. I could do this more often! I had oral sex," The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously and spots an altar boy. She pulls him aside and asks him, "What does the Father give for oral sex? It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
And how did that fine thing come about? John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldy, do not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language". Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers.
If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us". He started to say "Son.. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a - bitch! Having told them that she knows they did something sinful last night, she has convinced the nuns to confess all so they may receive their punishments. She asks the first nun, "Did you touch any of the men's Begone from my sight, child!
And so the first nun departs to pay her penance. Then you must bathe your whole hand in the Holy Water. The Mother Superior turns to the third nun and is about to ask her the question when the fourth nun interrupts: They went across the hall from their quarters to take a shower. When they got there they realized they forgot the soap. So one of them said that he would just quickly run over and get the soap, without getting dressed.
As he was going back he noticed 3 nuns coming down the hall, so he decided to freeze in place and act like a statue. When they came along the first nun said, "Wow look at that, it must be some kind of dispenser. The second nun thought the same, and did the same and it happened again, he dropped the second bar of soap.
The third nun examined him and said, "No, he must be some other kind of dispenser. It's a hand cream dispenser!
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. As Dracula hangs on. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming.
Don't Despair paid One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon.
She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your