We see this constantly perpetuated by TV and movie characters. But it is not our personalities that rule in the bedroom. When sexually intelligent people find themselves in a relationship where they can let their erotic nature and subconscious rise to the surface — the id finds itself coming up for air and for a much needed recalibration.
Those logical observations of sexuality and personality are thrown out the window. If anything, the complete opposite of what you would assume is actually true. For years I was attracted to large, strong handsome men. The bad boys, the asshole lumberjack, the dismissive rock stars. I knew my submissive itches would need a true alpha man to scratch.
But few if any of those bad boys or strong manly-men ever actually performed in the bedroom. When I accidentally started dating nice guys, I got the biggest holy-shit-aha-moment of my life. The things that make a good man less aggressive and less power-hungry in their careers or social lives, make them the most amazing Doms in the bedroom.
Those are exactly the qualities you need for a good dominant man in the bedroom. This can be intensely gratifying if both people are active. Not so much if one person just lays there. The bottom is the one who controls the rhythm, the depth, the intensity.
And that simple fact is the reason Nice Guys are so much better at being Doms. They know that by taking control of the sexual decision-making process they actually create space for an amazing sexual experience. They decide where to go, what position to be in and what to wear. They free up the sub to connect with the nuance of sex. The sub is the one who is really in control.
They pound their way to orgasm and roll over. And if they did, they wrote the feedback off as bitchy or crazy. Give them permission to explore that side of their sexuality, and they will! But a nice guy is hyper-sensitive to hurting your feelings or being perceived as an aggressor. Build a relationship that gives them the emotional and physical space to ease into being more dominant.
The stronger the foundation of mutual respect — the more you can stray from the standard and bland and explore some freaky and intensely sensual experiences.
As a women and as a dude you have to have the emotional intelligence outside the bedroom to respect and hold space for your partner. A needy or tentative partnership will fall apart in the bedroom. A trusting relationship will create a huge stage for sexual exploration.
So get your emotional shit together. But defining this sexual contract with a Nice Guy is a bit different. You want things to feel as genuine and authentic as possible. Listen to their sexual desires whether they fit into your sexual needs or not. And it will be fun! Allow them to adore you The most uncomfortable part of starting a relationship with a Nice Guy after a string of douchebags and alpha jerks is that they like you. They text you back and they compliment you.
And it feels weird at first. You have to get used to it. We think love is something we have to fight for, and convince someone to be a part of. He can completely adore you and completely dominate you. Acknowledge their compassion as powerful We have made the biggest mistake as a society by assuming that compassion means weakness and douchebaggery as strength.
It is far more powerful to be kind and thoughtful than to be a dick. That compassion translates to a masterfully dominant man in the bedroom.